Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
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Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.