Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
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Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?