How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
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Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
She was REALLY feeling it.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
dutch so unserious
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.