Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
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ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Mornin
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.