Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
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Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.