Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
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a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.