I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
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Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
mechanics be like
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows