Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
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‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Autocorrect is my menesis
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt