[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
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Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it