Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
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date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”