Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
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“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
This is true.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here