quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
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me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.