*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
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If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
SPLOOT
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT