Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
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My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
what?
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Pizza is an emotion right?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.