I dunno why but this feels like a trap
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Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Goodnight 🐶
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.