me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
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Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.