If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
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Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
But is it really??
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird