All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
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Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor