*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
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Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.