“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
cat vs inanimate object
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
<—- homeless romantic
kevin is now a local weatherman
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen