There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
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I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Spell check is for lasers.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I have a type: disappointing