If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
You Might Also Like
Goodnight 🐶
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Lol.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.