CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
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Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS