“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
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Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.