Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
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My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
They’re not wrong
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Weirdly Wednesday.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill