Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
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cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Lol
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Kids: Stay in school.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist