I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
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Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Put a ring on it
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”