[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
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If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.