Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
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There are usually two types of merchants.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I’m having an out of money experience.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.