ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
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Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
yea so i messed up lol
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.