[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
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I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists