My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
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I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”