“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
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If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.