Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
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Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy