Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
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I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
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Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”