I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
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smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough