I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
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In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.