DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
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when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Ken is short for chicken
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
The Punning Dead.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?