Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
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Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
PLEASE READ
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I have never related to a cat more
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?