just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
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[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Möther may I have a snäck
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?