ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
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Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Ion see the issue
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.