Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
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Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
Iâm going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isnât cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe heâll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Weâre gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: ActuallyâŚ
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally donât touch anything
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 đ
âThen we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.â
My momâs 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is ânot looking for anything seriousâ in case you think that ever ends
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, theyâd see a huge increase in membership.
If I ran a yoga class, Iâd make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, weâll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Every time I go to the dentist theyâre like, âyou need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.â Iâm like, âthank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.â
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
local news anchors be like âdry cleaners robbed. more as it unfoldsâ or âpriceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchyâ or âpool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surfaceâ or âbuilding elevator plunges. residents feel shaftedâ or â
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment Iâve ever had with my wife.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.