One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
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Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course