Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
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It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Worth remembering.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks