Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
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Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
My daily affirmation
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
me and who
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice