All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
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Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.