[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
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“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing