Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
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Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Is fake venison called venisn’t