Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
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Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
okay run it by me one more time
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.