If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
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You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”